Confessions of a Returned Latter Day Saint Missionary

Just over two months ago I returned home from an experience that will impact the rest of my life. An experience that I will be eternally grateful for.  And I promised myself "I will never be one of the returned missionaries that the transition will be hard for..."

The last days in the mission field were tear filled and very bittersweet.  The family I left 18 months earlier were anxiously waiting for my return but my heart was torn between two places. The feeling of did I do enough?  Is that day that was so far away really here? It doesn't feel like it's over there's no way it's over. I'm still needed here.

But the day came, I said my "see ya laters" and boarded an airplane we sat on the run way for hours waiting for rain to clear I starred out the window at the Washington Monument, Capital Building,  Jefferson Memorial, and all those trees.  Many time I went to stand up and run off the plane back to the metro and contact for the day then head back to the apartment at 9pm.  When we finally got clearance to take off again my heart was torn this was it. The ride was long emotions were all over the place, we shared the joys, sorrows and everything in between until at last we looked out the window to see those mountains the joy kicked in as I realized the family I had left 18 months before was so close to reach.  

We stood at the top of the escalator for a while realizing this was it and then we returned.  Hugging my family was one of the most joyous feelings, I was home, I had accomplished the mission.  What 18 months ago seemed like so long away was here.  Being released happened again the tears rolled.  But I was happy what I thought would be the worst of the transition was over. 

Relief.  

Waking up in my bed the next morning was strange how could something so familiar feel so foreign? The days went on I spent way to much time doing nothing. The reunions felt good, but it wasn't my mission family. I kept up my daily and weekly planning, Studying always came first in the morning, I rarely went anywhere without a companion, I read aloud all my text messages, reaching for the handshake was more common than the hug, and getting in the car well it was backing up caused me stressed. 

Ok I can deal with the awkward transitions.

Two weeks after my return I was able to take my family back to meet my mission family.  Sleeping at night was rare I was so excited to return "home" it hadn't been that long but it felt like a lifetime.  The week went by in what seemed like a blink of an eye. It was an experience that was unexplainable.  To go back and see the people that remembered me and were excited to see me was a HUGE confidence boost and reassurance.  I had accomplished my mission.  This trip was a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father.  The closure I needed was given.  But it wasn't much easier to leave the second time.

Well the days of being in the cloud were over. It was now time to return to "life" I started working and prepared to begin school. The realities of "real life" began to sink in.  This is hard. The things I was so strict on (scriptures, prayer, temple, etc.) started to slip.  The chapters of reading in the morning turned to a verse or falling asleep to a conference talk at the end of the day.  The things of the world began to creep in. Thoughts started to feel my mind.  

Did I really do enough?

Was I as obedient as I could have been? 

Did I really need that sick day?

I could have helped this companion more...

Did I talk to the people that were prepared? 

Reading a missionary story about "finding my friend" and sobbing because I wasn't sure if I had "found my friend" 

Every other returned mission is moving on so much easier than me. 

It's all my fault this recent convert has gone less active,I didn't teach enough.

I still don't have the scriptures memorized.

I could have done more.

One of the worst ones,  everything was still running just fine without me when I returned, How could I fell so needed and the replaced so easily?

The list could go on and on but I think you get the picture.  And I'm sure all of us have felt similar thoughts in our life whether it be upon the return of a mission or something else.

This went on for a while.  School had not yet began so I went to work everyday and then came home and just sat.  I felt like a failure. Did everyone else know I had failed as well? I was convinced, I was one of those missionaries who had simply endured 18 months, was placed in a leadership position because I was the poor little buddy that needed the growth and confidence booster, and was the companion that everyone counted down the days until the transfer was over.  

And to think I was going to have to live the rest of my life with this memory.  If only I could do it all over again.  Oh how I would do it different.

But remember "I will never be one of the returned missionaries that the transition will be hard for..."

Well everyone I don't care what religion you are, if you served a full time mission or not, Heavenly Father loves you and he loves me. and he loved this slacking on her studying, temple attendance, half heartily attending church returned missionary. 

I can not tell or name all the tender mercies he showed me well I was drawing farther and farther away from him. I still knew it was true and I had the days where I was so grateful for the mission I served I would feel accomplished.  But the feeling would not stayed for long because I needed to put more into practice the things I had taught for the last 18 months and lived by.  

Over the last couple weeks I've had many moments of thought how did I let myself do that?  I was so sure of the plan I had for myself when I returned and for some weeks I let myself slip. The simple answer is Satan in powerful.  And every once and while he gets us.  But the most important thing is we win the battle.  We realize that we did accomplish the mission Heavenly Father needed us to.  We were needed in that place at the time for specific things and now we're needed at this time and place for specific reasons now go figure out the reasons.

But I feel the most important lesson that I McKinsey Veenker needed to learn from this crazy transition back to "life" is what I've heard so many times.  Just because I'm not a full time missionary with a badge on my chest does not mean I stop being a missionary. Yes it's okay to stop those text out loud readings, backing the driver, handshaking (in fact hugs are nice), etc.  But this is not a changing of yourself again, I did that on my mission, I found out who I wanted to be and where I wanted my testimony.  Yes there might be a few more distraction in my way now but THAT DOES NOT CHANGE ME. That does not stop the upward conversion on myself as I help others. No one ever told me to stop being me, to stop being who I was on the mission and change. Not once did anyone say to throw the Atonement out the door because it doesn't work anymore.  Because you know what it still does and IT ALWAYS WILL.  You are never to far gone.  This is just simply another transfer with new challenges, new learning experiences, and enjoying every second. 

I will end how I began.  I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity I had to be a set apart full time disciple of Christ and I know that calling never ends.  I have never felt the love of my Savior more in my entire life.  Because I know he did what he did for each and everyone of us, even if it was just one of us he still would have done what he did.  Every Sunday we have the opportunity to partake of the Sacrament we are cleansed from our sins and are able to start over again. Every single week we can be cleansed. Do we even comprehend what that means?

I'm grateful for some of the best 18 months of my life that taught me this and prepared me for so much more to come. It wasn't the best 18 months of my life because there is so much more to come.  But I'm sure it was some of the best 18 months for my life.  

We are never to far gone, we are never to far from his love, and we are never alone.

Charlie Mike. aka continue the mission

See Ya Later Talk

Today I spoke in church before leaving for 18 months to serve my lord.  Some of you asked for a copy of my talk so here it is.  I will try and upload the audio version as well! Thank you to all of you for all your support you have given me! I have the best family and friends.

Colossians 3:23 “And whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men.” I chose this scripture to put on my plaque because I felt like it was a good motto to have for my mission, I felt like it would be a good reminder who I was serving a mission for.  Little did I know this scripture was going to mean so much more in the preparation for my mission as well. 

 134 days ago when I received my mission call I was ecstatic.  But I was a little upset at the time I would have to wait.  None the less I began preparation I know mission calls are assigned by prophets and apostles of god and if they felt waiting was the right thing for me I would wait.  Through this I have learned the power of patience a little bit better but I am in no way a master yet.  But I think the biggest thing I have learned through all of this is if you seem to be hitting road block after road block trial after trial you must either be doing something terribly wrong or terribly right.  From the day I got my call and announced it to everyone the Adversary learned of my call as well.  And let me tell you he did not waste one day not trying to break me down.  Many different challenges have come well waiting to serve my mission I would have to say some of the hardest days of my life have come in the last 5 months.  I’ve had days where I have pronounced to my parents that “Satan in the stupidest person in the world” But I know some of the best days of my life are yet to come because I have been able to overcome those days.

 Bring it back to my mission scripture and whatsoever you do, do it heartily as to the lord.  I feel the reason the scripture has impacted me the most is because most of those bad days I was having was because I was so caught up in what others thought,  I was letting other people tell me how I should feel about myself.  When in reality that means nothing.  Everything I do the lord knows and he is the only judge.  So the philosophy I have developed with all of this is if everything seems to be crumbling down that’s good you must be on the right path because it just shows the adversary is giving the last push he can give to stop you, keep fighting back.

 I found much strength through this past general conference.   I felt many of the talks were answers to my prayers but I found much interest in Elder Gifford Nelsons Talk.  I would like to share a part of his talk with you he starts off by quoting Elder L. Tom Perry “This is the most remarkable era in the history of the Church. This is something that ranks with the great events that have happened in past history, like the First Vision, like the gift of the Book of Mormon, like the Restoration of the gospel, like all of the things that build that foundation for us to go forward and teach in our Father in Heaven’s kingdom”

 Elder Gifford Nelson added to that by saying. “We need to be engaged as never before to match the excitement of our leaders and the commitment of our full-time missionaries. This work is not going to move forward in the Lord’s intended way without us!”

 As I have prepared to serve my full time mission the awareness I have built of the need for members to be heavily involved in missionary work has grown immensely.  We have been told many times and I quote “Now is the time for members and missionaries to come together, to work together, to labor in the Lord’s vineyard to bring souls unto him.” End quote.

 Brothers and Sisters he is talking to all of us.   The last days are upon us and the missionaries are doing all they can do but they cannot do it alone.  I would strongly encourage all of you to become involved in missionary work TODAY!  Some of you may feel you are not able to participate in missionary work for whatever reason that is.  I’d like to quote president uchdorf here. STOP IT.  Missionary work is not all sitting down sharing lesson the book of Mormon and joseph smith.  I am a strong believe that the first step in missionary work is being a friend.  Now I do not like being told I’m wrong along with a lot of others in the world.  If you show up on some ones porch and say hi your religion is not completely true but mine is and this is why chances are you are not going to be invited back.  But if you show up on some ones door step asking how there days was really interested in their life chances are you are going to form a friendship and maybe religion will never formally be discussed but you know what if they know you’re a Mormon and you were nice look at the impression you have left just from your attitude. 

 Please if you are not already get involved in missionary work.  And remember sometimes it’s just how you act around others that teaches the most.

 I’d like to do my best at sharing a story that happened to my youngest brother on his 7^th birthday. He was at our family cabin with my dad and the young men of our ward. Every so often all the snow on the roof of the cabin that has piled up falls off its loud and shakes the whole cabin.  This year was no different besides the fact that it was so cold the 4 to 5 feet of snow/ice on the roof had not fallen off all winter.  Shortly after they had all returned from a sledding trip the snow began to shake and they all watched as the chunks of snow and ice fell.  After the loud commotions voices began to yell he’s under there he’s under there.  Stockton had been trapped under the feet of snow.  I testify nothing happens by luck as everyone had just returned every person at the cabin that weekend was close by they all rushed to start digging and hopefully uncover my brother with little injury. I do not quit remember how long it took for them dig until they reached him but they uncover him conscious and talking.  After fully uncovering the snow they learned that no injuries had taken place.  In fact the only thing he really had to say was “dad there’s snow in my nose” The day went on and they all returned home safely.  My dad recalled the story to my mom and I and it defiantly made me hug well try and hug my brothers tighter the next couple days.  The story in and of itself I would call a miracle but the part that has stuck with me the most is a conversation I had with Stockton later that night.  I had asked him the question we’re you scared?  His reply was “I kinda was but I could hear them yelling we’re coming we’re coming, hold on stock we’re coming, so it made it less scary.”

  I have been called to the Washington DC North.  I do not know why exactly.  But I know that there is children of god there right now trapped under snow, not literally, but possibly it is very cold there. Anyway they may not know it now but they are looking for the voice that is yelling we’re coming and I hope to help them find the light. Again all of you here today are member missionaries some of you are preparing to serve full time missions pray daily for the savior to guide you to that person who may need some uncovering.

 One year ago at Sandy Hook Elementary School 20 6-year olds as well as 6 adults were shot and killed. 

 Some may ask why God could let so much grief come to his children.  Why he would allow this to happen.  In a recent video released entitle “evil did not win” Alissa Parker mother of 6 year old Emilie Parker who was one of the children killed in the New town shooting says “God allowed others to kill his son.   He allows us all to make our own choices, the good and the bad. Because that’s the only way good can be in us, if we freely choose it above all else…it’s quiet, it’s not on the news, it takes effort to find, but I’ve realized how strong god’s love really is. 

 Without god’s love in my life I have no idea where I would be today.  I testify that we are not alone.  Heavenly Father is always there helping us along the way.  In an article published in the Desert News last year it shared the following Robbie Parker father of Emilie Parker was the first parent to speak to the national media. Without notes or a spokesman, Robbie choked back tears and expressed sympathy for the family of the man who killed 27 people and himself. “I cannot imagine how hard this experience must be for you.”  If those words are not an example of the love and power god can give us I don’t know what is. 

 I would like to continue sharing the rest of the new article with you.

 Why did God allow such devastation? It was a question Lincoln had pondered. Plus, there were many in Washington who wanted to punish the Confederates for all the carnage. Against that backdrop, Lincoln said:

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations."

One month later, Lincoln was assassinated. But those words — "with malice toward none" — live on.

It reminds me of the story of Kenneth Brown, a U.S. Marine serving in Japan after the atomic bomb. It was just before Christmas when Brown encountered a Japanese professor of music who introduced himself as a Christian. He said he had a small children's choir and asked if they could perform a concert for the American soldiers.

Brown belonged to a unit of hardened fighters that had spent four years away from home, battling the Japanese from Saipan to Iwo Jima. The concert took place on Christmas Eve in a bombed-out theater. The closing number was a solo from "The Messiah" by a girl who sung with the conviction of one who knew that Jesus was indeed the Savior of mankind. The soldiers cried.

Afterward, Brown asked the Japanese music professor: "How did your group manage to survive the bomb?"

"This is only half my group," he said softly.

"And what of the families of these?"

"They nearly all lost one or more members. Some are orphans."

"What about the soloist? She must have the soul of an angel the way she sang."

"Her mother and two of her brothers were taken. Yes, she did sing well. I am so proud of her. She is my daughter."

Brown was moved to tears.

"We had caused them the greatest grief," Brown later wrote. "Yet we were their Christian brothers and as such they were willing to forget their grief and unite with us in singing 'Peace on earth, goodwill to all men.' That day I knew there was a greater power on earth than the atomic bomb.

 I have chosen to serve a mission because there is so much tragedy& negativity in the world.  I would agree with many others that have said the youth of today face more pressures than ever before.  I also was reading a news article that said the average American citizen has more negative interaction a day then positive.  Without the gospel I would be lost.  I cannot image going through everything thinking I was completely alone.  The goal I have for my mission is to touch as many lives as I can.  I will have the opportunity to serve at the Visitors Center where I will interact with many people a day I want every single one of them to leave with a smile.  I feel if we all followed the example of the Japanese choir our world would change drastically.  Everything they had had been taken away from them yet they were willing to forget it all and put on a show for those that had taken it away from them.  How we act and how we feel our our own choices no one else’s choose to be happy.

I think it's time you start listening to yourself.

First off my mission call was assigned today! That means by the end of next week I will know where the lord has called me to serve his people! I could not be more excited! This experience and opportunity could not come fast enough!

Now for the post.  I'm not exactly sure what this post will ended up being.  Lots has been on my mind lately and lots has happened.  A couple months ago all I wanted was to be done with high school.  I had the days until graduation memorized and it could not come fast enough.  While the day I had hoped for came and went and nothing seemed to different.   Life went on and I was excited to be having a relaxing, stress free summer. While summer went on it didn't go at all how I had planned but I wasn't about to let a couple bumps in the road stop me from enjoying myself.  I had the opportunity to spend time with my family in New York an experience I will forever be grateful for.  Life just kept going and the days passed by faster than I thought.  It's now august the friends I had at the start of the summer are pretty much all gone and if we still are in contact it's hanging by a thread.  I wouldn't say I love life right now but I'm trying to make the best of it.  It's just tough when the people you think you're closest to and would do anything for are the ones who turn out to be your biggest critic.  A lot of change is happening but I need to stay positive and just go with it.  I know that the next couple months of my life are going to be rough.  I know that the power of Satan is going to be working on me more than a normal person.  But I need to remember who I am and what I stand for.  I know that what i've chosen to do it exactly what my father in heaven wants me to do.  I know that the power of prayer is real.  If we will stay firm in the faith and keep his commandments we will be watch over.  I don't know what happens from here. I would love to say i'm not on the verge of tears right now but I'm.  But i know that this is only making me stronger.  I know that there is another door opening and it will be bigger and better than the room i'm in right now.  Stay strong, know you are loved, and always think who is worth your time and who is worth letting go.  Love Life.


This post above was a draft I never posted.  This last week has not been the greatest.  Stress, a little anxiety, mixed with excitement and a mind that likes to over think has made me very overwhelmed.  But as I was reading through old drafts I found exactly what I needed to hear.  I knew that the months between getting my call and leaving would be very rough but I did not know what that meant.  Now that those months are dwindling down to days I understand more.  But my testimony has grown faster than it ever has in my life.  I would encourage all of you to keep a journal or something that records your thoughts because I found sometimes when I seem to be at rock bottom I find something I wrote and it gives me strength.  The reason I love the above paragraph so much is because at this time and place I might now feel like I can fight any longer.  But I know that within me and at one point and time I knew I could do it which tells me know that I have the strength to conquer anything I set my mind too.  You are the only person that controls yourself.  You are responsible for your happiness, sadness, excitement, fear, everything.  So sometimes hearing and actually listening to yourself is exactly what you need.

"You are going to go through a traumatic experience, you have all the tools to make it through, just use those tools"

Watch this video

I had the opportunity to go and see this movie. I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.  I love the ending statement in the first video. "You are going to go through a traumatic experience, you have all the tools to make it through, just use those tools"  That could not be a more true statement about life.  We have been given the tools and the help we need, now we just need to use them.

Be Kind, Keep on Trekking, and Never Give Up.

I found my love for this song on trek last year.  But it wasn't until a couple weeks ago when I heard it and really listen to the lyrics that this song hit me so hard.  I love the message in this song.  We honor and respect the pioneers for all they did and the trek they took, and I am not trying to down that in anyway but this song was not written just for the pioneers.  Today things have changed and the trials and challenges we are facing are different but we are all on our own personal trek.  As I read the emails you sent me I was brought to tears at all the different challenges and trials everyone especially the youth are facing today.  With that being said the message I have today is be kind, keep on trekking and never give up.  As the song says "Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day...Our god will never us forsake."  I have been called to serve a full time mission. Against my wishes I have had to wait longer than I wanted. It's been rough and the challenges I have faced since receiving my call have been hard. But I could not be more thankful for the time The Lord has given me to prepare. I've had many experiences that would have never come if I had left on my mission already. I'm truly learning the principle of patience. I know that the lord has a time and a place for everything. If you are living his commandments and keeping the covents you have made he will guide and direct your life. I'm so grateful for this gospel. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints is the true church on the earth today. I'm grateful for the power of prayer and the ability I have to communicate with my savior on a daily basis. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen. 

One year older and wiser too?

 Today I turned 19?  Is that even possible?  Anyway I started reflecting on the last year.  It has been a memorable one.  And because I know your all dying to relive the last year of my life (not like the last year i'll be living but like the last year like 18-19 just thought i'd clarify I DO NOT plan on dying anytime soon) (and beware this is picture overloaded but sometimes a story is just told better with pictures)

Bronson & Bridger floured my car (the flour is still coming off to this day)

Oct. 13, 2012-BYU Blackout game

18th B-Day at the cabin!

 Got stuck on a roof with these two (sometimes my ideas aren't the brightest)

 3rd elbow surgery.

 went to a dance "high" (4 days after surgery)

 Attended way to many PG football games with way to many awkward bus rides but memories to last a life time!

BYU Poinsettia Bowl in San Diego. We won and I got to see this child!

 Last New Years at the cabin with these boys for a long time!

Sent my amazing grandparents off on there mission!

 Made many new friends!

Served on Student Council as Public Relations. 

Spent Countless hours with my "sister"

Found a big place in my heart for the "G" hiked it only a "couple" times 

Went to Prom with my best friends!

Got shot by a paintball gun (Yes I am proud of this)

Graduated Seminary!

Tumble maybe more than I should have.

 Was featured in Utah Valley Magazine!

GRADUATED!!

Spent two weeks in New York!

Made it a summer to remember

Got called to serve in the Washington DC North mission

Girls Trip to St. George

Went through the temple!

Grew Closer to these boys

Spent countless hours laughing

Got caught in many rain storms.

Took myself to the doctor!

Said see you later to many missionaries 

Spent time with the ones I love most.

I have many memories just like the ones pictures above.  I could go on for hours.  But I'm thankful and blessed that i'm able to do all I do.  I'm so grateful for EVERYONE that is in my life and has been in my life.  I've learned a lot this year.  Some of my biggest blessing along with some of my biggest trials have happened in the last year.  I would not change one thing.  My testimony of this gospel has grown more than I ever thought possible.  If you ask me a year ago where I would be now I would not be sitting where I am today.  I could not be more thankful for god's plan.  I know I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be.  And I would not wish to be any place else (except for maybe Washington DC but I can be wait a little bit longer)  If I've learned anything this year it is I know there is a plan for us.  If we are doing whats right we will be blessed, sometimes those blessing come in all different shapes and sizes and sometimes those blessings may seem like trials but they are there to help us became stronger.  So I guess Happy Birthday to me and bring on 19!

Gymnastics

I was just reading through my old bog and I found some of my gymnastics routines from when I was first an optional and I would be lying if I said I didn't tear up a little bit.  But it got me thinking a lot about life right now.  My life would be so different, high school would have been different and I'm pretty sure the chances i'd be going on a mission would be slim.   It's a constant reminder to me that there is a plan for us and if we put our trust in him no matter how hard things might be everything will work out how it's suppose to.

If you want to watch my routines follow this link.  And bear with me this was one of my first competitions at a new level at the time I thought I was so good but now I look back and laugh at myself!