Our Happily Ever After

Hi.  It’s been a while.  If you only keep up with me through the blogging world (which I’m sure is basically none of you haha) I’m married! Have been for just over a year and I decided it was about time to share our story with you. Better late than never right?!

I’m going to add a disclaimer/warning now. I am in no way shape or form an English major or professional blogger. So I apologize now if you are one of those things and the way I write or the punctuation I use is incorrect. You’re welcome to stop reading now.

January 2016 my brother came home from an off season baseball practice and informed us one of his baseball coaches, Coach Rock, had gotten a divorce after only being married a few short months. My family all offered their sadness seeing as they had all gotten to know him well. I on the other hand had been away serving an LDS mission and was hearing his name for the first time so to offer some comedic relief to the conversation I said, “well is he cute?” Expecting some jokes and laughs back my brother replied, “when he’s got a hat on…he’s bald haha.”  On the other hand my parents were both really quick to chime in and add there stamp of approval despite the baldness haha. I at this time was obviously joking and was in no way shape or form interested in dating.(see previous posts about dates on this blog and you’ll understand why). Anyway that short conversation came and went and two months passed by.

We were now nearing the start of one of the greatest seasons of the year. Baseball season. To kick it off was the annual PG High baseball auction fundraiser. At the end of the night during the live auction portion the head coach wanted to auction a date with me off. I was very very against this and luckily my mom saved me by saying “we just need to set her up on a date with Coach Rock instead.” Both of them were all over this and before I knew it, a picture taken of me(against my will), and my number, were sent to him. To say the least I was furious with my mom when I received a text from him later that night.

To make a longish story shorter we talked on the phone and texted for a while and then about a week later I reluctantly went on a date with him. While the date went well besides the fact that I bowled like a 75 and he bowled close to 300 (no lie) the night also ended with the remainder of my shake spilled all over my pants while getting out of the car... But after walking inside I texted my mom and said, “we have a problem, I had fun.”

 Little did I know that in a few shorts months, three to be exact, “Coach Rock” would become my husband.

After only one more date we started to talk about marriage (Crazy I know) Stephen had been accepted into medical school at Des Moines University and was planning to move there in August so we say that sped things up a bit but it was one of those times that people talk about that “you just know.”

After throwing dates around for a while we agreed on the end of June so that family members that were leaving the start of July could be there.

The wedding craze began and I forgot about school…still sorry about that mom and dad, but in my defense I didn’t fail any classes, just came close.

Now to the part that honestly I’m really writing this whole thing for. Over the last year I’ve sat down and written different things and none of them seemed right. I never posted anything I was honestly just figuring it all out in my mind. I’m still not sure I have it all figured out (do we ever) but I have enough figured out that I’ve been prompted to share some.

Remember at the start of this whole story. Remember the baldness? Haha just kidding, he is bald, but with or without the hat he’s cute to me. No what I’m talking about is the divorce. I don’t plan to focus on that, analyze why it didn’t work, go through every little detail, it just didn’t work out. I’ve asked my questions he’s been very open with me and that’s in the past. What makes our story a little different is the temple.

In our religion we believe that marriage is not just “till death to we part” but “for time and all eternity.” This is possible when a man and a women are sealed/married in the house of the Lord(temple) with the authority(priesthood) from God.

This is what we both believe and know to this day. Our entire twenty some years of life we had worked for this and I was preparing to marry him in the temple. Now because this is such a sacred promise we make with God, it’s taken very seriously in the church. We consider temples very sacred and special places to us, so to enter the temple you are interviewed by your local priesthood leaders and found worthy to enter the temple.

I could go on and on about the temple all day and am very happy to answer any questions you may have, but to save some time I’ll stop there.

Well since Stephen had been previously married in the temple and that promise made with God is very sacred and special to us and our church, we had to go through some extra steps to receive the stamp of approval for our marriage to take place in the house of the Lord.

This involved many interviews and meetings with local leaders in our church as well as submitting a request to the Prophet of our church for us to be married/sealed in the temple. This process was not easy. There was many trying times, tears shed, questions asked and when it came down to it our request to be married in the temple on June 21, 2016 was denied.  We were asked to wait a year and reapply.

This was obviously a very trying time. We found out 4 days before our wedding was to take place and lots of decisions were to be made.

Our church was in no way telling us not to get married, they were just saying we needed to wait a year for the “all eternity” part to happen(or so I thought…stay tuned). So with some questions, some tears, but lots of happiness, we were married on June 21, 2016 at the cutest reception center surrounded by loving family and friends.

Life went on we were happy. We moved to this state called Iowa and began this crazy medical school adventure. We learned what living on our own was like and continued to see the blessings of attending church, paying tithing, and keeping our personal testimonies in check.

I really didn’t have much to complain about with life, besides my husband studying all the time.

But as most human beings would I honestly felt like I had done wrong somehow. I would go to church and help teach the youth “families can be together forever” and fight back tears while I did because I felt like I hadn’t fulfilled that. I’d go to a lesson at church and hear these people testify of the blessings of being sealed in the temple, and then I’d want to hide because I hadn’t done that. It seemed like every other week we’d sing the song “I love to see the temple, I’m going there some day” and I wouldn’t even be able to sing because I’d cry if I did.

I obviously needed some talking, reevaluating, and testimony building.

So I did the best I could to keep up with my personal study of the gospel. I offered many prayers to my Heavenly Father. We attended the temple monthly where I would “chat” with my Heavenly Father and see where I was, where I needed to go, and who I needed to help. But to be honest a lot of this was just going through the motions.

I would find times where I was very upset with God. I still believed and knew the church was true, but I was a bit confused.

Time went on. I have an amazing husband who made me so happy and was there for all the tears. The time came to meet with our local leaders and begin the process of receiving a sealing clearance yet again. All the emotions flooded back in and I honestly didn’t know how I was going to find the strength to hear the stories again.

But our Heavenly Father loves us. He does not leave us comfortless.

This was one of those moments where I could choose to live in sorrow and have the pity party. Or I could control what I could control and live the life that was planned for me. Obviously I wasn’t perfect and I had my moments where I needed to be held up by my Father in Heaven, but this time was different.

I was open to the spirit and I was willing to be taught.

I don’t recall many times in my life where spiritual guidance or revelation has hit me like a light turning on in a dark room besides this once. We made our monthly trip to the temple. During our visit I had really tried to just forget everything going on outside in my life and just listen. Easier said than done. But it was worth it. Like a light turning on in a dark room I felt the love Heavenly Father had for me. I can not adequately explain it but that very simple testimony was exactly what I needed to open my heart even more. 

Heavenly Father LOVES me. And you. He loves all his children.

That small simple testimony started a chain reaction in my discovery of the simple yet intricate plan that Heavenly Father has for us.

June 6, 2017 I walked to the mailbox anxiously awaiting a part to fix my apple watch. Happy to see the part I started my walk back to the house and glanced through the other mail. I was stopped in my tracks when I saw two letters from the first presidency of the church(the prophet). They had arrived two weeks earlier than we had expected. I stopped for a moment and said a small and simple prayer. I was overcome with a sense of peace. I knew no matter what they said I was creating an eternal marriage.

I walked inside, opened the letter and cried. We had received clearance and were able to be sealed in the temple on our one-year anniversary.

Our sealing was amazing. What seemed so far away a year ago, was there in the blink of an eye.

As we walked out of the temple that day I felt a feeling of normality. Stephen and I had walked out of the temple together dozens of times and this one, yes was special, but the feeling not much different.

After spending a wonderful afternoon with family in the mountains everything calmed and I was left to think of that feeling.

Over the course of the next few days I began to realize why it was so normal. From the day I chose to come to this earth I started my eternal story. The temple was a necessary step and covenant (promise) we needed to take in our eternal story but in my opinion, it wasn’t the beginning NOR the ending. From the very beginning we had the potential to have an eternal marriage. The temple makes it possible for an eternal marriage, but it does not create one. As with every prayer, scripture reading, church meeting, service project, blessing, baptism, mission, testimony sharing moment we have in our life we create the potential to be taught, to be blessed, and to become eternal. But in no single moment in time are we checking off our eternal progression on a to-do list.

As I walked out of the temple that day and felt the feeling of normality I was receiving a testimony that as I said before, the temple makes it possible for an eternal marriage, but it does not create one. What creates an eternal marriage is two people putting God at the head of the triangle and working together everyday to return to live with him. “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (The Family: a proclamation to the world)

I’m grateful to live in a day and age where we have the gospel of Jesus Christ on this earth. I’m grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, and is always helping me to learn and grow. I am so grateful to live in a country where I have the freedom of religion. I am grateful to be a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints where I am taught and encouraged to know for myself that the church is true. I know that we all have the potential to be eternal beings. We are able to choose to live with our families forever. I love my savior Jesus Christ, all of this is possible because of him. I love my Heavenly Father and I know without a doubt he loves, knows, and hears me.

As I was reviewing our sealing photos the picture below caught my eye. I was overcome with the spirit as I saw two of God’s children continuing their eternal journey to become like him and live together forever.

This is my testimony and I share it with you in the name of Jesus Christ.

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true

To Linda.

One day this crazy old lady that they put in young women's decided that, even though I was the only girl my age we were going to have two sometimes three on one lessons. The two or three people being my leaders and the one being me. I wish I could remember exactly how I felt that day but if my memory is correct I got VERY mad at my dad that day for putting this crazy lady in young women's with me. But I'm a bit of prideful person and I didn't have much choice so I just kept going. Luckily it didn't take me long to realize what a blessing had been put in my life.

This crazy old lady is in no way crazy! I'm actually convinced she's one of the three Nephites wife's because her understanding and testimony of the gospel is beyond comprehension, she gets it.

Her name is Linda Jensen and she is my hero.

(If you don't have much time to read this blog entry just scroll to the bottom and read what's italicized it will change your life.)

After I softened my heart to Linda and started to realized that she could really teach and help me my life changed. And as I write that it sounds dramatic and almost unbelievable because change in not that instant but it was. I started finding myself thinking "what would Linda do?" I took a high interest in LDS books and really I was just a happier person.

The next couple years of life for lack of a better term were "high school years." At times I thought I was going through the worst trials I would ever face in life. Obviously now I look back and pretty much laugh at myself because they were dumb little things. But to Linda that didn't matter. She was there, she listened, and even if she had no idea what was going on she listened to the spirit and let herself be an instrument in the lords hands to help me. Before I even realized it Linda was being an example to me of how to teach by the spirit.

Linda and I had great lessons. We I guess you could say broke the rules a little and didn't follow the manual but it was fine because she followed the spirit and we had great lessons on various talks, books, articles, etc all centered on Christ and a lot of the time on his Atonement. The Atonement is something that I feel we never stop learning about but for the first time in my life I was consistently understanding and appreciating the sacrament, I was getting it. I was seeing that even my little problems matter to the Lord and he wanted to help and heal me. Thanks to Linda.

One of the first talks I remember discussing with Linda is the Brad Wilcox "He's grace is Sufficient" talk. We spent a while on this one talk but it's still something I turned to and reflect on for help and guidance in my life.

I'll never forget Linda at girls camp. From hiking, crafts,  cooking, cleaning, instructing, and even pranking Linda was involved. An example that it's okay to work and play.

For an activity one time we hiked the G. She could have easily said no thanks and waited at the bottom but instead she said "you might go up and down three times before I get to the top but I'll get to the top." That statement explains Linda. She does not let any obstacle stop her.

One night I was having a hard time. I had lost sight of the big picture and basically was stuck in the here and now. I called Linda up and she said come on over! I talked her ear off about everything and anything that was wrong with everyone else and the world. She just listened as she took care of her mom, sewed a dress for another young women, and prepared a meal to take to an ill neighbor. She didn't say much and I know she had a lot of other things going on and a lot more reasons to be mad at the world than I did. I'm also sure she wanted to tell me to grow up and open my eyes cause my life isn't that hard. But she didn't. She comforted me, asked how she could help, and yet again listened to the spirit. I'll be honest I don't remember a lot of what she said that night but I remember her example. Everything that was upsetting me that night could have easily been fixed and not even been an issue if I would have been losing myself by serving others. Like Linda was. More times than not she was teaching me by example.

After deciding to serve a mission she supported me through and through. A couple hours before I was set apart as a missionary I went to visit Linda. We didn't have much time to talk but some of her wisest words to me that have echoed through my head on a daily basis since were "when you write home don't sugar coat anything, you write it how it is." At the time I had no idea what she was talking about but soon after hitting the mission field I understood. Anyone that has served a mission knows its hard is an understatement. But with Linda's words in my mind I knew it was okay that it was hard and it was okay that I wrote home that the week was rough but the most important thing was that I was being real and learning from it.

A little over half way through my mission I received an email letting me know Linda had been diagnosed with stage 4 non-smokers lung cancer. The thought of her not being there when I returned was hard. But even when she was emailing me about this terrible thing that had happened in her life that she in no ways deserved she didn't show that at all she simply said "I'm not working anymore - I have quite the 'to do lists' and the 'to accomplish lists' and now I'm just enjoying. I'm not angry or upset I know there are some important things for me to learn from this and I'm ok with it." He email was a lot longer but rest was talking about me and my mission and how could she help me. Linda understands. She is the prime example of a Christlike selfless person.

Shortly after I heard the news about Linda I was assigned to plan a performance at the Washington DC Temple Visitors Center. After much prayer and fasting Linda was the inspiration for the night. Here is the link to the talk I gave that night. She wasn't there that night and I don't think she even knew it was going on. But the spirit was strong and the people there felt it and it all started because she inspired me to be a better person.

Lucky for me and the rest of the world Linda was here when I got home. Even though to me she has every possible thing fighting against her she's still one of the happiest upbeat people I know.

On Sunday I had the privilege to hear her speak and share her testimony in church. I wish I could explain the spirit in the room and the spirit that has stayed with me. I'm grateful that my dad thought to take notes because the minute she started speaking I was a mess. I want to share with you the things Linda shared with us that she has learned through her life and trials.

I don't have to know all they why's, if I trust in my Heavenly Father and know this it is part of his plan for me

Accepting his will is better than getting better

Having enough faith to accept is better than getting better

Appreciate the beauties around me

He has put people in our path to love and strengthen us

I am never alone

The veil is thin, I plan on it being thin. I will interfere in my families life 

We are not left comfortless

Not shrinking matters more than dying

Medicine is a miracle of Heavenly Father

Life continues on the other side

It is all okay and it is his plan

He provides strength as needed for each individual challenge we face 

Lots of things ran through my mind as she spoke. One of them being I can never complain again. Seeing as I complained not even two hours later I realize I can work on that. But all joking aside I hope and pray that at the end of my life these are all things I can say as well.

I wrote this in hopes that Linda will know and realize what an impact she has had on my life. I know if it weren't for her I would not be the person I am today. You will forever have an impact on me and so many others forever more. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God's church restored to the earth in these latter days. The veil is thin, we are eternal beings, and there is so much more for us after this life. And I can say I know without doubt that this is true.

We Love you Linda!

Life lessons from: Dates, Baptisms, and Waves

For english we were asked to write a story but look at it with a different perspective this time. What I thought would be a fun lighthearted story turned into so much more.

         Water is swirling around me, I have no idea what way it up or down. Finally after what seems like years my footing is found. I catch me breath, water is everywhere, the worst part, 200 pairs of eyes all on me.  Then he catches my eye, tears are streaming down his cheeks all composure is lost as he yells, “This is the best day ever! The spirit is so strong, my ancestors are here!” By this point I’ve come to terms with it, my social life is over and I might as well move to Antarctica I’m sure the penguins will accept me.    

With that introduction let me back up a minute to the start. It was a couple months after returning from my mission in Washington DC. I was having a hard time, I would lie awake at night just yearning to go back I was sure nothing could ever be as good as the last 18 months. Then salt was thrown in the wound and I was given a calling to plan a weekly activity at my church. I had really been struggling with the people in the congregation because we didn’t have similar interests, now I was being asks to not only spend a couple hours with them on Sunday but Monday nights as well. To say that I felt like the world was crashing around me is an understatement.  

Mondays would come around and anxiety, that never before in my life had I struggled with, would set in. My stomach would hurt and everything that could go wrong would go wrong. Somewhere in all of this I would find the strength to go suffer through the two hours and come home. The sickness would go away, I would stop shaking, and the week would go on, until Monday came again. The cycle would repeat itself and I would just hold on to the thought that it would all end and for the next six days I would be fine.

Then one day I had had enough. This was going to be the end. No one could make me go, I was done and was never going again. While I decided before I made any crazy decisions I should talk to my parents, (this is where I made the second mistake, the first was accepting the assignment in the first place.) After talking to my parents we had agreed that I would go one more time and if I still felt the same way I could talk with my leaders and pass the assignment on to someone else. There was one condition, I had to go that night and treat it like I was still on my mission. No problem, I can do that easy and I know it won’t change anything.

I got ready, went early, talked and sat by new people and did my best to be a missionary. The night went on and I still felt the same way. I will admit the time did pass a little faster, but I was still set in my ways. At the end of the night we moved into the gym for a game and then it was going to be over. I was going to be done. Excitement was setting in. After the game I planned to crab my cookie and go. I was doing just this as I noticed a girl standing in the corner by herself. The thoughts went through my brain “what would your missionary self do?” and then “all you had to do was attend the activity, the activity is over you can leave.” The next thing I know I’m in the corner talking to this girl. It wasn’t that bad, the conversation ended, she left, and I was again on my way out when I noticed another kid, in another corner, yet again alone.

All of a sudden again I find myself back in the room, in another corner, having another conversation. This one did not go quite the same as soon as I got to the corner he said “Oh hi McKinsey”, I had no idea what his name was. What do you say back to that? Oh hey how are you, insert mumbling lots of names mixed together and hope you don’t notice that I don’t know your name. Luckily I didn’t have to do that. Before I could say anything he said “you have no idea who I am but you’re dad is one of my favorite people and I just really look up to him, he would tell me all about your mission in Washington DC, I also know that you really like BYU, sports, running, and I believe from watching you the last couple weeks you also like the color pink.” At this point I’m sure I’ve backed up a few steps and my face has an expression like what the heck, but it doesn’t end there. He continues, “While it’s been nice talking to you but my mom is here to pick me up, hey would you by chance like to go out with me sometime? Oh and by the way my name is James.” Okay wait your mom is here to pick you up I thought everyone here was over 18. Then the words “would you like to go out with me sometime” ring back in my ears and all I can say is “what?” He doesn’t hear that and just says “I don’t have time to get your number I’ll just get it off the directory. See you soon!”

I felt like I had just gone through a whirlwind on words. I didn’t know what to think or say so I just left. Very excited to go home report to my parents I had done what I was suppose to and had just attended my last activity. Unfortunately I didn’t have time for that because before I had gotten home I had received a text message thanking me for my friendship and asking when a good time to go out would be.  This is where I realized and was sure I had made mistake number three going and talking to him. Again I was for sure done with this.

I get home and was very curious to know who this kid was that knew all about me and was now wanting to take me on a date.  Come to find out he really is a remarkable kid, he has some special needs that can frustrate him but he doesn’t let that stop him. So he really is a great kid just not someone I’m interested in dating. But I was told a lot of girls say no and are pretty mean to him so my heart was softening and I decided to say yes to one date and texted him back. I don’t know how many mistakes I’ve made in this story but this was by far the worst one. This opened the floodgates. I was getting novel texts three or four times a day, being told to make sure I do my hair and make up, waking up and going to bed to texts. It was a bit annoying but it got really bad when I stopped responding and then it wasn’t text messages but it was calls or unexpected visits to my house. No he didn’t come in the house or even knock on the door just walk by a few times and then was on his way.

            The day of the date came and I woke up sicker than I’ve ever been. I still don’t know if it was the fact that I was going to have to go on a date with him or if I was really sick. But I was so sick I had to cancel. This was not good he at first hated me and then was sure I had cancer. If you haven’t noticed there is not middle of the road with him. But have no fear the date was rescheduled.

            I’ve been trying to think of a way to share this that could give justice to the date and the only thing I keep going back to is an email I sent to my friend that night so here it goes.

Hey how are you! I’m just going to just right into my week cause it was eventful!  So this kid asked me on a date a couple weeks ago but the day we were suppose to go was the first day I got really sick so I had to cancel. Well after he freaked out a bit we rescheduled.  So eventually this dreaded date comes and I find out were going to the temple to do baptisms for dead for his ancestors and I’m just like aright that’s okay because you can’t really talk in the temple so it will be great. So we get there and he has no whisper voice so to every temple worker he sees he basically yells, “HEY I’M BAPTIZING HER FOR MY ANCESTORS, MAKE SURE I’M THE ONE BAPTIZING HER!” So basically after 4 or 5 people everyone in the baptistery is watching us, so that’s great. Then we get to the spot where you give them the family names and the lady tells him we can only do 3 a person because it’s so busy and he FREAKS OUT! “MY ANCESTORS HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG AND NO WE CAN’T SPLIT THEM UP BETWEEN OTHER PEOPLE I’VE ALREADY TOLD THEM IT’S MCKINSEY WHO’S DOING THE BAPTISM.” So to get him to be quiet they agree to let me do all 13-girl names. Now let me explain how many people are in the baptistery it’s the Provo temple and it’s Tuesday. I’m pretty sure every student a BYU and UVU are there for temple Tuesday. The entire waiting area is packed and there’s more people standing around the edges (keep in mind the waiting room has big windows that look into the baptistery). In the baptistery there’s only one row on benches but there’s so many people they have it two rows deep, one row standing the other sitting. Once we get in get the whole name situation worked out and changed we sat there for 2 hour just waiting and he is talking to his ancestors the whole time….yes EVERYONE is watching. We finally make it into the baptistery again he has to tell everyone he’s baptizing me. It finally reaches my turn they call my name and next thing I know he’s basically jumping into the font yelling, “I’M THE ONE BAPTIZING HER!!” So we get in position and then I realize he has to weigh and least 50 pounds less than me and I could wrap my hand around his arm twice there is NO WAY he’s going to be able to lift me back up. Yeah this is not going to go well. Then the prayer starts and he says, “Sister………waits another two hours……..Veenker……and I’m not kidding pauses between every word for like 5 minutes. I’m just thinking is this going to happen for 13 names? I’m dying and after a millennium we get to Amen and he places my hand on my back and nothing happens….Then all of sudden BOOM!! He throws me with every fiber of his being into the water. Not just a dunk like a SMACK! It caught me completely off guard. Water is swirling around me, I have no idea what way it up or down. Finally after what seems like years my footing is found. I catch me breath, water is everywhere, the worst part, 200 pairs of eyes all on me.  Then he catches my eye, tears are streaming down his cheeks all composure is lost as he yells, “This is the best day ever! The spirit is so strong, my ancestors are here!” By this point I’ve come to terms with it, my social life is over and I might as well move to Antarctica I’m sure the penguins will accept me. Then to just make everything so much better the recorder says “Brother would it be alright if we had another brother in the font to assist with the baptism process? James without even thinking says “Yea, yea that’d be a great idea!” SO NOW! I’m the fat girl in the baptismal font because I need two people to assist with the baptisms. I’m dying and have reached my humiliation level for my life.

            So that was the date and honestly I’m sure I’ve told the above story at least 2 million times sense then. Honestly what I thought I got out of this was a funny story and a little good feeling that I did something good and helped make someone’s day and in the long run end up breaking there heart but we won’t go there. Looking back on it I got a lot more than that.

            From the first day James blabbed a couple words at me a walked away he was being a bigger person than I was. He was at the activity, was there for the right reasons, and doing the best he could to help me feel good about myself by sharing what he knew to be true about me. When I was sick he was very concerned, maybe a little to concerned, but concerned nonetheless. During the date he was so concerned about helping others he was going to do everything he could to help these people who couldn’t help themselves enter the waters of baptism, even if that meant baptizing a fat girl and lifting more weight then he ever has. But that’s not his fault, he didn’t chose what body he was born with, what he did chose is what he does with it. At this moment in time he was choosing to use it for good, to help others, and accomplish something he had planned and prepared for.

            Through this James taught me a lot of things but after reading and reflecting on the story this time one of the biggest things he taught me was to be humble and ask for help. Through all of this I was being the big bad girl to good for everything. He was being the humble one, willing to talk to anyone, be a friend, be there when needed and sometimes even when not needed. When he knew he couldn’t lift me on his own he was willing to accept help. In fact, he didn’t think twice about it and gladly accepted. In the end the most humiliating day of my life turned into one of the most humbling.

            As for James and I were friends. It took a while to get to that point because he was sure we were eternal companions but anyway last night at our weekly activity, because yes I’m still going, he sang and wrote a song for the senior citizens we were visiting. Does he have the perfect singing voice? No, but is he doing all he can to bring joy to everyone? Yes. As for me I’m still attending those weekly activities almost 6 months later. Still trying to be a missionary but also letting others be a missionary to me. It’s interesting to look at life and see some of the moments you hope you’ll forget in the morning or you think can just be a funny story are actually when we can be taught the most. It just goes to show someone is always looking out for us. The choice is ours to accept or reject what they have to offer. A life lesson can be learned from each and every person we come in contact with.  

Confessions of a Returned Latter Day Saint Missionary

Just over two months ago I returned home from an experience that will impact the rest of my life. An experience that I will be eternally grateful for.  And I promised myself "I will never be one of the returned missionaries that the transition will be hard for..."

The last days in the mission field were tear filled and very bittersweet.  The family I left 18 months earlier were anxiously waiting for my return but my heart was torn between two places. The feeling of did I do enough?  Is that day that was so far away really here? It doesn't feel like it's over there's no way it's over. I'm still needed here.

But the day came, I said my "see ya laters" and boarded an airplane we sat on the run way for hours waiting for rain to clear I starred out the window at the Washington Monument, Capital Building,  Jefferson Memorial, and all those trees.  Many time I went to stand up and run off the plane back to the metro and contact for the day then head back to the apartment at 9pm.  When we finally got clearance to take off again my heart was torn this was it. The ride was long emotions were all over the place, we shared the joys, sorrows and everything in between until at last we looked out the window to see those mountains the joy kicked in as I realized the family I had left 18 months before was so close to reach.  

We stood at the top of the escalator for a while realizing this was it and then we returned.  Hugging my family was one of the most joyous feelings, I was home, I had accomplished the mission.  What 18 months ago seemed like so long away was here.  Being released happened again the tears rolled.  But I was happy what I thought would be the worst of the transition was over. 

Relief.  

Waking up in my bed the next morning was strange how could something so familiar feel so foreign? The days went on I spent way to much time doing nothing. The reunions felt good, but it wasn't my mission family. I kept up my daily and weekly planning, Studying always came first in the morning, I rarely went anywhere without a companion, I read aloud all my text messages, reaching for the handshake was more common than the hug, and getting in the car well it was backing up caused me stressed. 

Ok I can deal with the awkward transitions.

Two weeks after my return I was able to take my family back to meet my mission family.  Sleeping at night was rare I was so excited to return "home" it hadn't been that long but it felt like a lifetime.  The week went by in what seemed like a blink of an eye. It was an experience that was unexplainable.  To go back and see the people that remembered me and were excited to see me was a HUGE confidence boost and reassurance.  I had accomplished my mission.  This trip was a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father.  The closure I needed was given.  But it wasn't much easier to leave the second time.

Well the days of being in the cloud were over. It was now time to return to "life" I started working and prepared to begin school. The realities of "real life" began to sink in.  This is hard. The things I was so strict on (scriptures, prayer, temple, etc.) started to slip.  The chapters of reading in the morning turned to a verse or falling asleep to a conference talk at the end of the day.  The things of the world began to creep in. Thoughts started to feel my mind.  

Did I really do enough?

Was I as obedient as I could have been? 

Did I really need that sick day?

I could have helped this companion more...

Did I talk to the people that were prepared? 

Reading a missionary story about "finding my friend" and sobbing because I wasn't sure if I had "found my friend" 

Every other returned mission is moving on so much easier than me. 

It's all my fault this recent convert has gone less active,I didn't teach enough.

I still don't have the scriptures memorized.

I could have done more.

One of the worst ones,  everything was still running just fine without me when I returned, How could I fell so needed and the replaced so easily?

The list could go on and on but I think you get the picture.  And I'm sure all of us have felt similar thoughts in our life whether it be upon the return of a mission or something else.

This went on for a while.  School had not yet began so I went to work everyday and then came home and just sat.  I felt like a failure. Did everyone else know I had failed as well? I was convinced, I was one of those missionaries who had simply endured 18 months, was placed in a leadership position because I was the poor little buddy that needed the growth and confidence booster, and was the companion that everyone counted down the days until the transfer was over.  

And to think I was going to have to live the rest of my life with this memory.  If only I could do it all over again.  Oh how I would do it different.

But remember "I will never be one of the returned missionaries that the transition will be hard for..."

Well everyone I don't care what religion you are, if you served a full time mission or not, Heavenly Father loves you and he loves me. and he loved this slacking on her studying, temple attendance, half heartily attending church returned missionary. 

I can not tell or name all the tender mercies he showed me well I was drawing farther and farther away from him. I still knew it was true and I had the days where I was so grateful for the mission I served I would feel accomplished.  But the feeling would not stayed for long because I needed to put more into practice the things I had taught for the last 18 months and lived by.  

Over the last couple weeks I've had many moments of thought how did I let myself do that?  I was so sure of the plan I had for myself when I returned and for some weeks I let myself slip. The simple answer is Satan in powerful.  And every once and while he gets us.  But the most important thing is we win the battle.  We realize that we did accomplish the mission Heavenly Father needed us to.  We were needed in that place at the time for specific things and now we're needed at this time and place for specific reasons now go figure out the reasons.

But I feel the most important lesson that I McKinsey Veenker needed to learn from this crazy transition back to "life" is what I've heard so many times.  Just because I'm not a full time missionary with a badge on my chest does not mean I stop being a missionary. Yes it's okay to stop those text out loud readings, backing the driver, handshaking (in fact hugs are nice), etc.  But this is not a changing of yourself again, I did that on my mission, I found out who I wanted to be and where I wanted my testimony.  Yes there might be a few more distraction in my way now but THAT DOES NOT CHANGE ME. That does not stop the upward conversion on myself as I help others. No one ever told me to stop being me, to stop being who I was on the mission and change. Not once did anyone say to throw the Atonement out the door because it doesn't work anymore.  Because you know what it still does and IT ALWAYS WILL.  You are never to far gone.  This is just simply another transfer with new challenges, new learning experiences, and enjoying every second. 

I will end how I began.  I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity I had to be a set apart full time disciple of Christ and I know that calling never ends.  I have never felt the love of my Savior more in my entire life.  Because I know he did what he did for each and everyone of us, even if it was just one of us he still would have done what he did.  Every Sunday we have the opportunity to partake of the Sacrament we are cleansed from our sins and are able to start over again. Every single week we can be cleansed. Do we even comprehend what that means?

I'm grateful for some of the best 18 months of my life that taught me this and prepared me for so much more to come. It wasn't the best 18 months of my life because there is so much more to come.  But I'm sure it was some of the best 18 months for my life.  

We are never to far gone, we are never to far from his love, and we are never alone.

Charlie Mike. aka continue the mission

See Ya Later Talk

Today I spoke in church before leaving for 18 months to serve my lord.  Some of you asked for a copy of my talk so here it is.  I will try and upload the audio version as well! Thank you to all of you for all your support you have given me! I have the best family and friends.

Colossians 3:23 “And whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men.” I chose this scripture to put on my plaque because I felt like it was a good motto to have for my mission, I felt like it would be a good reminder who I was serving a mission for.  Little did I know this scripture was going to mean so much more in the preparation for my mission as well. 

 134 days ago when I received my mission call I was ecstatic.  But I was a little upset at the time I would have to wait.  None the less I began preparation I know mission calls are assigned by prophets and apostles of god and if they felt waiting was the right thing for me I would wait.  Through this I have learned the power of patience a little bit better but I am in no way a master yet.  But I think the biggest thing I have learned through all of this is if you seem to be hitting road block after road block trial after trial you must either be doing something terribly wrong or terribly right.  From the day I got my call and announced it to everyone the Adversary learned of my call as well.  And let me tell you he did not waste one day not trying to break me down.  Many different challenges have come well waiting to serve my mission I would have to say some of the hardest days of my life have come in the last 5 months.  I’ve had days where I have pronounced to my parents that “Satan in the stupidest person in the world” But I know some of the best days of my life are yet to come because I have been able to overcome those days.

 Bring it back to my mission scripture and whatsoever you do, do it heartily as to the lord.  I feel the reason the scripture has impacted me the most is because most of those bad days I was having was because I was so caught up in what others thought,  I was letting other people tell me how I should feel about myself.  When in reality that means nothing.  Everything I do the lord knows and he is the only judge.  So the philosophy I have developed with all of this is if everything seems to be crumbling down that’s good you must be on the right path because it just shows the adversary is giving the last push he can give to stop you, keep fighting back.

 I found much strength through this past general conference.   I felt many of the talks were answers to my prayers but I found much interest in Elder Gifford Nelsons Talk.  I would like to share a part of his talk with you he starts off by quoting Elder L. Tom Perry “This is the most remarkable era in the history of the Church. This is something that ranks with the great events that have happened in past history, like the First Vision, like the gift of the Book of Mormon, like the Restoration of the gospel, like all of the things that build that foundation for us to go forward and teach in our Father in Heaven’s kingdom”

 Elder Gifford Nelson added to that by saying. “We need to be engaged as never before to match the excitement of our leaders and the commitment of our full-time missionaries. This work is not going to move forward in the Lord’s intended way without us!”

 As I have prepared to serve my full time mission the awareness I have built of the need for members to be heavily involved in missionary work has grown immensely.  We have been told many times and I quote “Now is the time for members and missionaries to come together, to work together, to labor in the Lord’s vineyard to bring souls unto him.” End quote.

 Brothers and Sisters he is talking to all of us.   The last days are upon us and the missionaries are doing all they can do but they cannot do it alone.  I would strongly encourage all of you to become involved in missionary work TODAY!  Some of you may feel you are not able to participate in missionary work for whatever reason that is.  I’d like to quote president uchdorf here. STOP IT.  Missionary work is not all sitting down sharing lesson the book of Mormon and joseph smith.  I am a strong believe that the first step in missionary work is being a friend.  Now I do not like being told I’m wrong along with a lot of others in the world.  If you show up on some ones porch and say hi your religion is not completely true but mine is and this is why chances are you are not going to be invited back.  But if you show up on some ones door step asking how there days was really interested in their life chances are you are going to form a friendship and maybe religion will never formally be discussed but you know what if they know you’re a Mormon and you were nice look at the impression you have left just from your attitude. 

 Please if you are not already get involved in missionary work.  And remember sometimes it’s just how you act around others that teaches the most.

 I’d like to do my best at sharing a story that happened to my youngest brother on his 7^th birthday. He was at our family cabin with my dad and the young men of our ward. Every so often all the snow on the roof of the cabin that has piled up falls off its loud and shakes the whole cabin.  This year was no different besides the fact that it was so cold the 4 to 5 feet of snow/ice on the roof had not fallen off all winter.  Shortly after they had all returned from a sledding trip the snow began to shake and they all watched as the chunks of snow and ice fell.  After the loud commotions voices began to yell he’s under there he’s under there.  Stockton had been trapped under the feet of snow.  I testify nothing happens by luck as everyone had just returned every person at the cabin that weekend was close by they all rushed to start digging and hopefully uncover my brother with little injury. I do not quit remember how long it took for them dig until they reached him but they uncover him conscious and talking.  After fully uncovering the snow they learned that no injuries had taken place.  In fact the only thing he really had to say was “dad there’s snow in my nose” The day went on and they all returned home safely.  My dad recalled the story to my mom and I and it defiantly made me hug well try and hug my brothers tighter the next couple days.  The story in and of itself I would call a miracle but the part that has stuck with me the most is a conversation I had with Stockton later that night.  I had asked him the question we’re you scared?  His reply was “I kinda was but I could hear them yelling we’re coming we’re coming, hold on stock we’re coming, so it made it less scary.”

  I have been called to the Washington DC North.  I do not know why exactly.  But I know that there is children of god there right now trapped under snow, not literally, but possibly it is very cold there. Anyway they may not know it now but they are looking for the voice that is yelling we’re coming and I hope to help them find the light. Again all of you here today are member missionaries some of you are preparing to serve full time missions pray daily for the savior to guide you to that person who may need some uncovering.

 One year ago at Sandy Hook Elementary School 20 6-year olds as well as 6 adults were shot and killed. 

 Some may ask why God could let so much grief come to his children.  Why he would allow this to happen.  In a recent video released entitle “evil did not win” Alissa Parker mother of 6 year old Emilie Parker who was one of the children killed in the New town shooting says “God allowed others to kill his son.   He allows us all to make our own choices, the good and the bad. Because that’s the only way good can be in us, if we freely choose it above all else…it’s quiet, it’s not on the news, it takes effort to find, but I’ve realized how strong god’s love really is. 

 Without god’s love in my life I have no idea where I would be today.  I testify that we are not alone.  Heavenly Father is always there helping us along the way.  In an article published in the Desert News last year it shared the following Robbie Parker father of Emilie Parker was the first parent to speak to the national media. Without notes or a spokesman, Robbie choked back tears and expressed sympathy for the family of the man who killed 27 people and himself. “I cannot imagine how hard this experience must be for you.”  If those words are not an example of the love and power god can give us I don’t know what is. 

 I would like to continue sharing the rest of the new article with you.

 Why did God allow such devastation? It was a question Lincoln had pondered. Plus, there were many in Washington who wanted to punish the Confederates for all the carnage. Against that backdrop, Lincoln said:

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations."

One month later, Lincoln was assassinated. But those words — "with malice toward none" — live on.

It reminds me of the story of Kenneth Brown, a U.S. Marine serving in Japan after the atomic bomb. It was just before Christmas when Brown encountered a Japanese professor of music who introduced himself as a Christian. He said he had a small children's choir and asked if they could perform a concert for the American soldiers.

Brown belonged to a unit of hardened fighters that had spent four years away from home, battling the Japanese from Saipan to Iwo Jima. The concert took place on Christmas Eve in a bombed-out theater. The closing number was a solo from "The Messiah" by a girl who sung with the conviction of one who knew that Jesus was indeed the Savior of mankind. The soldiers cried.

Afterward, Brown asked the Japanese music professor: "How did your group manage to survive the bomb?"

"This is only half my group," he said softly.

"And what of the families of these?"

"They nearly all lost one or more members. Some are orphans."

"What about the soloist? She must have the soul of an angel the way she sang."

"Her mother and two of her brothers were taken. Yes, she did sing well. I am so proud of her. She is my daughter."

Brown was moved to tears.

"We had caused them the greatest grief," Brown later wrote. "Yet we were their Christian brothers and as such they were willing to forget their grief and unite with us in singing 'Peace on earth, goodwill to all men.' That day I knew there was a greater power on earth than the atomic bomb.

 I have chosen to serve a mission because there is so much tragedy& negativity in the world.  I would agree with many others that have said the youth of today face more pressures than ever before.  I also was reading a news article that said the average American citizen has more negative interaction a day then positive.  Without the gospel I would be lost.  I cannot image going through everything thinking I was completely alone.  The goal I have for my mission is to touch as many lives as I can.  I will have the opportunity to serve at the Visitors Center where I will interact with many people a day I want every single one of them to leave with a smile.  I feel if we all followed the example of the Japanese choir our world would change drastically.  Everything they had had been taken away from them yet they were willing to forget it all and put on a show for those that had taken it away from them.  How we act and how we feel our our own choices no one else’s choose to be happy.