The last days in the mission field were tear filled and very bittersweet. The family I left 18 months earlier were anxiously waiting for my return but my heart was torn between two places. The feeling of did I do enough? Is that day that was so far away really here? It doesn't feel like it's over there's no way it's over. I'm still needed here.
But the day came, I said my "see ya laters" and boarded an airplane we sat on the run way for hours waiting for rain to clear I starred out the window at the Washington Monument, Capital Building, Jefferson Memorial, and all those trees. Many time I went to stand up and run off the plane back to the metro and contact for the day then head back to the apartment at 9pm. When we finally got clearance to take off again my heart was torn this was it. The ride was long emotions were all over the place, we shared the joys, sorrows and everything in between until at last we looked out the window to see those mountains the joy kicked in as I realized the family I had left 18 months before was so close to reach.
We stood at the top of the escalator for a while realizing this was it and then we returned. Hugging my family was one of the most joyous feelings, I was home, I had accomplished the mission. What 18 months ago seemed like so long away was here. Being released happened again the tears rolled. But I was happy what I thought would be the worst of the transition was over.
Relief.
Waking up in my bed the next morning was strange how could something so familiar feel so foreign? The days went on I spent way to much time doing nothing. The reunions felt good, but it wasn't my mission family. I kept up my daily and weekly planning, Studying always came first in the morning, I rarely went anywhere without a companion, I read aloud all my text messages, reaching for the handshake was more common than the hug, and getting in the car well it was backing up caused me stressed.
Ok I can deal with the awkward transitions.
Two weeks after my return I was able to take my family back to meet my mission family. Sleeping at night was rare I was so excited to return "home" it hadn't been that long but it felt like a lifetime. The week went by in what seemed like a blink of an eye. It was an experience that was unexplainable. To go back and see the people that remembered me and were excited to see me was a HUGE confidence boost and reassurance. I had accomplished my mission. This trip was a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. The closure I needed was given. But it wasn't much easier to leave the second time.
Well the days of being in the cloud were over. It was now time to return to "life" I started working and prepared to begin school. The realities of "real life" began to sink in. This is hard. The things I was so strict on (scriptures, prayer, temple, etc.) started to slip. The chapters of reading in the morning turned to a verse or falling asleep to a conference talk at the end of the day. The things of the world began to creep in. Thoughts started to feel my mind.
Did I really do enough?
Was I as obedient as I could have been?
Did I really need that sick day?
I could have helped this companion more...
Did I talk to the people that were prepared?
Reading a missionary story about "finding my friend" and sobbing because I wasn't sure if I had "found my friend"
Every other returned mission is moving on so much easier than me.
It's all my fault this recent convert has gone less active,I didn't teach enough.
I still don't have the scriptures memorized.
I could have done more.
One of the worst ones, everything was still running just fine without me when I returned, How could I fell so needed and the replaced so easily?
The list could go on and on but I think you get the picture. And I'm sure all of us have felt similar thoughts in our life whether it be upon the return of a mission or something else.
This went on for a while. School had not yet began so I went to work everyday and then came home and just sat. I felt like a failure. Did everyone else know I had failed as well? I was convinced, I was one of those missionaries who had simply endured 18 months, was placed in a leadership position because I was the poor little buddy that needed the growth and confidence booster, and was the companion that everyone counted down the days until the transfer was over.
And to think I was going to have to live the rest of my life with this memory. If only I could do it all over again. Oh how I would do it different.
But remember "I will never be one of the returned missionaries that the transition will be hard for..."
Well everyone I don't care what religion you are, if you served a full time mission or not, Heavenly Father loves you and he loves me. and he loved this slacking on her studying, temple attendance, half heartily attending church returned missionary.
I can not tell or name all the tender mercies he showed me well I was drawing farther and farther away from him. I still knew it was true and I had the days where I was so grateful for the mission I served I would feel accomplished. But the feeling would not stayed for long because I needed to put more into practice the things I had taught for the last 18 months and lived by.
Over the last couple weeks I've had many moments of thought how did I let myself do that? I was so sure of the plan I had for myself when I returned and for some weeks I let myself slip. The simple answer is Satan in powerful. And every once and while he gets us. But the most important thing is we win the battle. We realize that we did accomplish the mission Heavenly Father needed us to. We were needed in that place at the time for specific things and now we're needed at this time and place for specific reasons now go figure out the reasons.
But I feel the most important lesson that I McKinsey Veenker needed to learn from this crazy transition back to "life" is what I've heard so many times. Just because I'm not a full time missionary with a badge on my chest does not mean I stop being a missionary. Yes it's okay to stop those text out loud readings, backing the driver, handshaking (in fact hugs are nice), etc. But this is not a changing of yourself again, I did that on my mission, I found out who I wanted to be and where I wanted my testimony. Yes there might be a few more distraction in my way now but THAT DOES NOT CHANGE ME. That does not stop the upward conversion on myself as I help others. No one ever told me to stop being me, to stop being who I was on the mission and change. Not once did anyone say to throw the Atonement out the door because it doesn't work anymore. Because you know what it still does and IT ALWAYS WILL. You are never to far gone. This is just simply another transfer with new challenges, new learning experiences, and enjoying every second.
I will end how I began. I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity I had to be a set apart full time disciple of Christ and I know that calling never ends. I have never felt the love of my Savior more in my entire life. Because I know he did what he did for each and everyone of us, even if it was just one of us he still would have done what he did. Every Sunday we have the opportunity to partake of the Sacrament we are cleansed from our sins and are able to start over again. Every single week we can be cleansed. Do we even comprehend what that means?
I'm grateful for some of the best 18 months of my life that taught me this and prepared me for so much more to come. It wasn't the best 18 months of my life because there is so much more to come. But I'm sure it was some of the best 18 months for my life.
We are never to far gone, we are never to far from his love, and we are never alone.
Charlie Mike. aka continue the mission
